Love Note to My (Ex's) Friends

Suddenly becoming Instagram mutuals with one fewer ex

I cleaned my partner’s hair out of our shower the morning after my ex texted me that she was unfollowing/removing me on Instagram. We’re on good terms, her girlfriend just doesn’t want us to be mutuals. She still wants me to text her life updates. Exes in the internet age!

We have been exes for longer than we were dating. I enjoy being her ex. I love seeing how much happier we both are apart. My art was messier when we dated. I was less okay.

We text every few weeks, usually “hey [this band you love] just released a new album.” I have a similar dynamic with most of my exes, just “there’s mail for you here” or “heard about ___, how are you doing?” or “___’s phone is dead so we haven’t seen your texts but ___ still has pie if you’re coming over.” I’m a rural queer in my 20s. Community is everything. Messiness is human. Relationships can shift and care can remain.

I love my partner. Her books fill my home. She has my phone number memorized. I hold her arm when I read at night. She does the dishes after I make us soup. She hosts our friends in my home. I keep a spare pair of shoes in my car because she loves being barefoot and doesn’t believe in foot jails. I’m one of her jail support contacts. We stay up late dreaming and strategizing. I deliver her a green apple each morning. We listen to Paul Simon and dance in my kitchen. I leave secret braids in her hair. I look at her and feel like I will explode. She keeps her toothbrush on top of the medicine cabinet and phone on top of the fridge. I’m too short to properly see either. I leave notes in her laundry. She built a frame for my favorite painting. I help renovate her family’s farmhouse. I send her Mum hand-painted thank you notes. We hold ceremonies for departed creatures. We have silly nicknames. She kisses my secret tattoo. We trade readings, eat pie for breakfast, hold hands, send memes. Yesterday we coordinated outfits and she looked so handsome. My church loves her. She takes sips of my coffee. We’re waiting for one of my oldies to recover from Covid so we can take him on a fall drive. We eat biscuits another dear oldie friend baked. I write her love letters. She leaves drawings on my dresser. She helps me get my testosterone. I tell her I’m scared. She tells me she’s sad. Together we are okay.

I think of exes a lot. Anyone I’ve spent that much time with is bound to regularly occupy my mind. I want them to be happy. I want them to know that I love that we’re no longer together. I am grateful for our time together. I never want to date them again. Friendship breakups are the worst. I’ll take a ‘this isn’t working’ over the heartwrenching decline of friendship any day.

I asked the internet if it’s weird for a girlfriend to still follow her ex on social media. I see it as a green flag for someone I’m dating to be on good enough terms with their ex to be mutuals. To break up and still hold respect/care/curiosity? That is cool. Maybe that makes me a red flag.

The internet had bad replies. It was all men saying people only follow their exes if they are planning on getting back together / men and women can never be friends / she’s not over him. Usual straight sexist bullcrap. I want to hear from the lesbians.

Of course I still feel pain about a few exes. I made the mistake of dating straight women. Twice. Close friends to curiosity to a romantic thing to the realization that I am a hidden experiment and she wants an actual man. I’m genderqueer. I’m masculine. I left those relationships feeling used. Feeling weird. Experimentation is a natural part of figuring things out. Our dynamic wasn’t healthy, I didn’t share how I felt / I didn’t tell my friends because she didn’t want people to know / she was figuring things out / I could have been kinder and more honest. I’m replaced with a cis man who shares many of my qualities. I still wish these women well. I think of them often.

Back to the ex that started this whole piece: I wish her well. I want her to be happy.

To her friends: I am glad we dated because it means I know you. I am glad we are friends. I want to remain friends, with her and with you. If I’m invited to your wedding in a decade please do not stress over our seating arrangement! I’ll be on the dance floor anyway. We were college girlfriends. Significant, and over. Maybe we’ll be mutuals again one day. It is okay if we’re not. We’re still LinkedIn connections.

As long as she is happy.

My art is steadier these days. I am more okay these days. I am kinder. I like myself more. I don’t betray myself as often. I’m about to eat cheese. I am happy.

I hope you have a good day.